Are You Avoiding Providing Constructive Feedback to Be Kind—or to Stay Comfortable?

Let’s talk about one of the most common (and costly) leadership challenges: Avoiding constructive feedback.

Recently, I had a coaching session with a senior leader who was frustrated with one of his long-time employees. She’d stepped into a management role—earned through years of technical skill and dependability—but she wasn’t thriving.

Her direct reports described her as:

• Micromanaging

• Highly critical

• Visibly frustrated with them

• Regularly venting to others about them

Tension was rising. The team culture was struggling. And her professional reputation was quickly unraveling.

The Real Reason Feedback Isn’t Happening

When I asked this leader what kind of feedback he had given her, he hesitated.

“None really. I hoped she’d know how to lead better. And I care about her—I don’t want to hurt her feelings. If I tell her she’s doing a bad job, she’ll be devastated.”

Because of our relationship, I pushed back.

“Are you avoiding feedback to protect her—or to protect yourself from discomfort?”

He paused. Then admitted:

“I just hate conflict. And honestly, if she reacts to me the way she reacts to her team, I don’t want to deal with it. I don’t have time.”

Here’s the hard truth: Avoiding feedback doesn’t save time. It costs it.

And not just for the leader—it costs the team, HR, leadership, and most of all, the employee who isn’t being given a fair chance to improve.

If You Really Care, You’ll Speak Up

Leaders often confuse comfort with kindness. They avoid feedback under the banner of being “nice” or “supportive,” when in reality, they’re letting fear drive inaction.

Let’s be clear:

• Ignoring poor behavior doesn’t protect feelings.

• Withholding feedback doesn’t help people grow.

• Silence isn’t kind—it’s passive.

If you care about someone and their career, you owe it to them to offer the kind of feedback that helps—not just praise, but clear, supportive constructive feedback and correction.

A Better Way to Give Feedback

Giving feedback doesn’t have to feel like punishment.

Here’s a simple framework you can use to make the conversation easier and more effective:

1. Start with your intentions

“I’m sharing this because I care about your success and want to help you continue to grow.”

2. Ask about their career goals

“Where do you want to go next in your career?”

3. Connect the dots

“I want to help you get there, and that means giving you insight that helps you lead more effectively.”

4. Acknowledge what’s working

“You bring a lot of value in [insert strength here]. That’s a real asset.”

5. Name the challenge

“I’ve noticed some frustration in how feedback is being delivered to the team. It’s affecting morale, and could impact how others see your leadership.”

6. Offer support and alternatives

“Let’s walk through a few approaches that might work better. I’m here to support you as you try something new.”

7. Follow up

Set a check-in 1-2 weeks later. Ask what’s working, what’s not, and how you can keep partnering for growth.

Leadership Isn’t About Avoiding Discomfort

It’s about having the courage to show up—even when it’s hard.

If you want to be a trusted, respected leader—someone who actually develops people—you can’t sit quietly and hope things improve. That’s not leadership. That’s management-by-wishing.

There’s a wide gap between doing nothing and reading someone the riot act. That middle ground? That’s where real leadership lives.

Need Help Navigating Tough Feedback?

If you're struggling with how to say what needs to be said——I can help.

Just hit the reply and share what is going on in your world!

You don’t have to choose between being kind and being honest.  The best leaders are both.

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